this is my 'feel sorry for me moment'... play the violin song for me, bring out the tears and so forth-Since September has began- my weeks look like this. Yeah- i'm pretty much fucking sick of it!
I'm not sure if I was dealt this deck of cards for September, or if I created it myself??? Between me going to school- trying to achieve good grades, coaching field hockey, attending field hockey games [for oldest], FINALLY picked for flippin' room mom -after trying 3 consecutive years in row! [it was just a matter of principle to put my name in this year-- thinking the little tyrant hierarchy queen of the 'we're still in high school' bitches is NOT going to pick me again- and sure enough I was picked!?? I'm not sure what uber cool thing I must have said/done to achieve this great liking of-- anyhow, i filled out the damn slip of paper only for the heart of my 4th grader, who really, really, really wanted her mom to be room-mom.] where am i??? Oh- the list of why my life is shitty stressful right now, feel sorry for me:( The whole
thing with the MOVING bit.
Moving- that's a whole different topic/subject/emotional matter right in it's own. I could try to sugar coat the whole thing and explain junk logically-- but what's logic? In plain black and white terms/language... it's as simple as: this house is our love affair, our dream. We have probably put about 300 thousand dollars into it- give or take?? When it came time to replace a radiator- I could spend up to three weeks- on the internet--finding the perfect one. Everything was well thought out, well decided upon. My husband did extremely well [in work/business]. Well- the financial state of America has changed... We had a business we had to shut down, life has changed. To live here- not including food, I mean mortgage, bushiness loan, OIL [$$$$], electric, cable and so on... it's an 11 thousand dollar venture- every flippin' month! That's just what comes out of the check book. That doesn't include the hours of yard work, grooming, maintenance, cleaning, and yes-- the violins are still playing. I hear them in the background. The point is- we have to move on... But what's so hard and upsetting and this is where the hankies come in... is not Knowing. The unknown. Will a family buy this home and love it as much as we do?? Will a builder buy it- sub-divide, knock it down and build some new ones??? Will it go to sheriff sale [we can stay floating for so long??] and then it could be vandalized , destroyed?? These are all the things that run through my head 24/7. This is why I'm in a rather emotional state. When people ask how I am, how is the moving coming-- I have no problem answering, " I'm in denial, I'm depressed, I'm in a 'state' , I'm rather numb".... that kind of sums it only. The joke it- it's only because of a house. Some plaster walls, so massive windows, 150 year old floor. A week after the cabinet maker did all cabinets for the kitchen, had them all fitted and level-- he removed them to paint them. He bought them back into the house and nothing was the same. Nothing fit- nothing was level, it was like he never did it properly in the first place! But he and I knew he did- we both saw with our own 2 eyes, how it all fit, was level, perfect. It was that moment when I told him- 'because this house breathes.. it's alive' I know it sounds really dumb, but you would really have to live here to appreciate it. To be able to make that statement. To have such an attachment and connection to a non-living thing, but yet it's very much alive. There is a certain energy here- where life is always twirling and spinning around you. So I think I do deserve to be sad, but in the same breathe- i have too much to do/accomplish and I need to function. This is the last time I'll feel sad, or speak of the sadness. Larry and I have had many up and downs in our life together. We have the ability to go into 'auto pilot' and move forward with what has to/ NEEDS to be done. He's been in auto pilot. At this very moment, I need to make the very conscious decision to join. I know there are WAY worst things in life- so much worst. I'm putting my belief into the hands of Karma- and know that good things will come:)
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