tests, trivial stuff and caffeine

Today I was suppose to have been studying-- ALL DAY!  It never works out that way.  Tonight I had a big test in Psych.  Tonight the little field hockey girls had a big Skills Competition.  This is where they do different stations of skills/drills and earn points.  Team with the most points win an ice cream party.  We came in 4th:( oh well. They all ready earned an ice cream party though-- via ME.  Yesterday we traveled to a different town to play- it's the feeder program for our biggest rival!  I've heard from other teams that these little girls are pretty brutal! They've been playing since 1st grade vs. our 3rd grade starting age.  Anyway-- it was a 0-0 game for us. The girls were awesome:) The other team-- not so awesome!  Their coach was yucky and mean!  Yelling, rude, ugly!  And the girls pushed and were poor sports.  I had to explain to my team the 2 types of aggressiveness.  The good kind and the bad kind.  We played with the good kind-- the other team, the bad kind!!  Anyway- point is here-- when we were finished with the game, the 2nd team from our town failed to show.  My team ended up staying and played a 2nd game.  They're really awesome girls.  So- that's the winning of the ice cream party:)

Today- while I should have been doing the studying bit-- I stopped to make some spirit hair ribbons for tonight's competition.  My psych. test-- it wasn't so bad.  I don't know?? At least a B.  I'm hoping for an A.  Tomorrow I should get back my Anatomy and Physiology exam.  That's the one I can't wait to get back!! I'm really dying to see how I did. I have a big exam in Lab this Friday.  This is like- little test week for Cris.  School is 'okay' this semester. Usually I meet all kinds of cool, chatty people.   So far- the best group of people are in Lab.  I really get along with a lot of people in there.  In A&P lecture- i do talk to the semi-weird girl next to me. She really doesn't talk much-- where I'm the opposite and talk to everyone/anyone!  So that's not too bad.  I use to joke with Larry and tell him about cute college guy that would always sit next to me.  hmmm- some young hoe stole that seat!  I call him kayak boy.  He had a kayak on his eco-friendly car one morning... and dresses like  he's right out of a REI or EMS catalogue.  Okay by me! Just because I'm old enough to almost be his mom- i can still think he's cute, right???  I'm not going to get all Demi Moore on his ass or anything.  My Psych. class- -that's just a whole different story!  We're in groups-- don't ask. it's retarded. The people are kind-of anti-friendly. Granted, I'm so not close to being the oldest one in there-- but i still feel all old and stuff.  There is the most annoying girl in that class.  She really thinks she's something though. It's like:  sweetheart-- this is college, night class, NOT a club- and really you should maybe give up french fries and pizza.. because you may :think: you look good in that little club shirt but ahh--- oh well:/  It's not so much HOW she looks that's annoying-- it's HOW she acts!!! She's just way too outspoken, rude, annoying, shutthefuckup. 

I really have nothing worthwhile to write about. Sorry. My world is spinning around my kids right now and trying to do well in school. I feel like working on the new place has taken a back seat, which sucks. I don't have the energy to get over there. I have so much going on here.  Larry's mom is not doing well- at all.  Since he has left her bedside, she has greatly declined.  They want to send her home and have hospices care for her. I never thought, in a million years, I'd have to plan a funeral with my husband at our ages of  38 and 37. Isn't this something you do when you're old?  Friday is our 16 year anniversary.  

Rain~Rain, stay all day....

I'd love for a break and have some things cancelled/postponed!!!!  This is from a non-rainy day-   my little one at a game. We threw pinnies on our girls- because the opposite team, the colors were so darn close! We're having a really fun season with the little girls for hockey.  Alex, well-  her season is going great- maybe not so fun. She has to work/run/feel pain a lot more than the short kids:/      

However-- today-- is Sunday. It's raining. I'm sick of running every stinking day of my life!  I have a BIG test tomorrow night... I need to study for- big time. I have a big text for this coming Friday- i need to study for. I'd love nothing more than to be home today!!!!   Anna has a game in a different town today. The whole ordeal will be about a 3.5 hour project. Travel time/ play time, etc. So far for her [which is also  me, since I'm the coach] - it's been hockey 4 times this week.  For Alex- it'll be hockey/related 7 times this week. Alex had 3 games, 3 practice and 1 pasta party.  A break would be  nice. So far- 8:13 am, no email about being cancelled-- and  I need to leave here near 11.  grrrrrr!!!wtf???

Larry is on his way- which is nice:)  He's been in Florida since Tuesday am.  His mom is not doing well- at all. He was able to spend a ton of time with her. He was at the hospital with her every day- until well after midnight. And even last night- he stayed most the night, then left for a 6am flight. She has pancreatic cancer- and it's very sad, I'm saying sad- because I'm kind of at a lost for words here.  Which is  hard to believe, me not having something to say. 

The week, naturally flew by! We're still working on the 'new' house- so we can get moved in. I need to downsize so much! It's a pretty sad, overwhelming bit.  there's this great auction place here, [well- really south of here]  and I'm going to contact them about my dining room set.  That's going!  I'm not sure what I'm taking [what will fit] vs. what will go.  I have quiet a few old paintings- I've bought in antique shops- stuff like that I don't have the heart to get rid of. It's coming with:)  Antique chairs and tables- the same. I really don't want to part with them. I bought them all because something about them caught my heart. Ohh- i don't know. it'll be interesting.  Point is: you can't fit the contents of a 5000 square foot house- into 2000 square feet. Does NOT work. This giant computer desk-- going!!  I'm excited about downsizing- I just wish there was so much work involved in trying to sell things off, etc...  

I'm done complaining.  I need to figure out who is playing where and what today. I have a feeling they're not going to cancel. Last year we played in downpours.  Why should this year be different?? Next week is a bit calmer- but Larry will be away again:( Wed. ->Friday. that's not so bad.  Friday is our 16 year anniversary:) Last year- we went to Cape May for the weekend- and it was amazing to have zero plans, except dinner reservations for 2 nights. Oh well- maybe next year:)  

play the song for me-

this is my 'feel sorry for me moment'... play the violin song for me, bring out the tears and so forth-

Since September has began- my weeks look like this. Yeah- i'm pretty much fucking sick of it!  

I'm not sure if I was dealt this deck of cards for September, or if I created it myself???  Between me going to school- trying to achieve good grades, coaching field hockey, attending field hockey games [for oldest], FINALLY picked for flippin'  room mom -after trying 3 consecutive years in row! [it was just a matter of principle to put my name in this year-- thinking  the little tyrant hierarchy queen of the 'we're still in high school' bitches is NOT going to pick me again- and sure enough I was picked!?? I'm not sure what uber cool thing I must have said/done to achieve this great liking of-- anyhow, i filled out the damn slip of paper only for the heart of my 4th grader, who really, really, really wanted her mom to be room-mom.]   where am i??? Oh- the list of why my life is shitty stressful right now, feel sorry for me:(  The whole

thing with the MOVING bit.  

Moving- that's a whole different topic/subject/emotional matter right in it's own. I could try to sugar coat the whole thing and explain junk logically-- but what's logic?  In plain black and white terms/language... it's as simple as:  this house is our love affair, our dream. We have probably put about 300 thousand dollars into it- give or take??  When it came time to replace a radiator- I could spend up to three weeks- on the internet--finding the perfect one. Everything was well thought out, well decided upon. My husband did extremely well [in work/business].  Well- the financial state of  America has changed...  We had a business we had to shut down, life has changed.  To  live here- not including food, I mean mortgage, bushiness loan, OIL [$$$$], electric, cable and so on...  it's an 11 thousand dollar venture- every flippin' month!    That's just what comes out of the check book. That doesn't include the hours of yard work, grooming, maintenance, cleaning,  and yes-- the violins are still playing. I hear them in the background.    The point is- we have to move on... But what's so hard and upsetting and this is where the hankies come in... is not Knowing.  The unknown.  Will a family buy this home and love it as much as we do?? Will a builder buy it- sub-divide, knock it down and build some new ones???  Will it go to sheriff sale [we can stay floating for so long??]  and then it could be vandalized , destroyed??  These are all the things that run through my head 24/7.  This is why I'm in a rather emotional state.  When people ask how I am, how is the moving coming-- I have no problem answering, " I'm in denial, I'm depressed,  I'm in a 'state' , I'm rather numb".... that kind of sums it only.  The joke it- it's only because of a house. Some plaster walls, so massive windows, 150 year old floor.    A week after the cabinet maker did all cabinets for the kitchen, had them all fitted and level--  he removed them to paint them.  He bought them back into the house and nothing was the same.  Nothing fit- nothing was level, it was like he never did it properly in the first place!  But he and I knew he did- we both saw with our own 2 eyes, how it all fit, was level, perfect.  It was that moment when I told him- 'because this  house breathes.. it's alive'  I know it sounds really dumb, but you would really  have to live here to appreciate it.  To be able to make that statement.  To have such an attachment and connection to a non-living thing, but yet it's very much alive. There is a certain energy here- where life is always twirling and spinning around you.  So I think I do deserve to be sad, but in the same breathe- i have too much to do/accomplish and I need to function.  This is the last time I'll feel sad, or speak of the sadness.  Larry and I have had many up and downs in our life together.  We have the ability to go into 'auto pilot' and move forward with what has to/ NEEDS to be done.  He's been in auto pilot.  At this very  moment, I need to make the very conscious decision to join.  I know there are WAY worst things in life- so much worst. I'm putting my belief into the hands of Karma- and know that good things will come:)

bad day Sept. 16

So- yesterday was a really bad day. I mean- our house has been for sale for a week... we've known we were going to sell since July?  No surprises.  Yesterday- it just seemed to 'hit!' but what's weird is- it was almost an uncontrollable 'hit'? Just an uncontrollable sadness.

I felt as though [going to sound real dark and poetic  here] but I honestly felt as though I had the weight of a thousand sad souls weighing me down yesterday. I was putting weeds/brush in the woods, cleaning up around the barn, just being outside. Every time i looked back to the house- I was just over come by sadness! I would cry and it was just a sad day. More so though- my chest felt super heavy.  The same heavy feeling I use to get when every I had to go up to the 3rd floor- when we first moved here.  The weight of a thousand sad souls-  the best way to describe it.

So- [the point] last night- we were all out shooting some shots on Anna, while she was dressed to be a goalie, we took some photos.  I was snapping away-- consecutive photos-  so the lens is clean in all the others...  Straight away- while the photos are being uploaded- we spot this one right away.  That's one of the biggest orbs that have ever shown up in a photo here.  [there is even an orb in one of our real estate listing photos- the realtor took! on realtor.com]  However- seeing that photo- and it being near the wind chime that will sing for me on the calmest of days-- only makes me think. The thing seems massive compared to other things we've seen in past photos-- it looks like it's carrying the weight and sadness of a thousand lost souls...

You think???

"Stuart will host Shawnee HS on Fri.  This is the first time both teams have met.  Shawnee is traditionally one of the strongest teams in the state.  It should be a terrific field hockey game.....

The Stuart varsity and JV field hockey teams will be hosting Shawnee tomorrow (9/12).  This will be a great field hockey game between two of the best teams in the state of NJ.  We strongly encourage you to come out and support the Stuart team.  You will see some impressive field hockey!"

Shawnee won. 

And I thought I was going to die here--

very long title-- i know. 

Anyone reading....  

family, friend, foe,

a whole mixed bags of feelings here.. our house is for sale. i don't have time to

really elaborate on the whole thing.  Emotions, feelings, thoughts, memories, etc...

later on i will. 

Hoping for someone who will love this house as much as we do. Time for a new 'keeper'

Can be viewed  here-